An open letter of Cease & Desist to all "celebrities"

Does anyone else think that celebrity behavior can be a little bizarre? At one point not too long ago, the names celebrities chose to name their children were the strangest portion of their behavior. Recently celebrities are taking eccentric behavior to a whole new level. You have Alicia Silverstone chewing food and spitting it into her child’s mouth as if it were a baby bird and January Jones who admitted to consuming her own placenta (in pill form) in some strange “healthy post-natal regimen.” What the fuck is wrong with these people?!

Suddenly celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin choosing to name their daughter Apple is not so abnormal. It is not just the bizarre behavior that drives me insane, it is the way they dress, the overall phoniness especially when on award shows... and often just the fact some people are considered celebrities at all. Think Kardashian’s. You cannot turn on the television or even glance at the magazine racks while waiting to check out at a grocery story without having a Kardashian shoved down your throat. Other than Kim’s looks, what does she offer to society? Not much in my opinion.Celebrities are just about everywhere you turn, why must these unstable people invade my life and influence the youth of today?

With this being said I have decided to put together an open cease and desist letter to celebrities worldwide to put an end to the nonsense that they call everyday life. There is no reason for these entertainers to have such an influence on today’s society. In the grand scheme of things, these people are meaningless… They are replaceable cogs in a cyclical world of entertainment.



Dear “Celebrities”,

We are the consumers of all things entertainment in a literary/artistic/musical industry. We have reserved all rights to keep your careers viable and relevant, thus stimulating your exorbitant earnings.

It has come to our attention that your behavior and or relevance, is unmistakably annoying and in many cases, is unwarranted. Permission was neither asked nor granted for you repeated appearance and resulting irritation in my life. Your meaningless appearance therefore constitutes infringement of our rights. In terms of the boundaries of personal sanity, we are entitled to an injunction against your continued infringement in our lives, as well as to recover damages from you for the loss of sanity we have suffered as a result of your infringing conduct.

In the circumstances, we demand that you immediately:

1. remove all infringing content/material from our print/electronic media, audio/visual airwaves and notify us in writing that you have done so;

2. terminate bizarre behavior(s) that compels media/paparazzi sources to cover and distribute audio/visual materials containing details of said actions;

3. pay a yet to be determined annoyance fee for each annoyance/infringement;

4. cease the distribution of entertainment related material that contains meaningless gossip used to keep your name relevant and further your “career”;

5. deliver-up for destruction all unused or undistributed copies of said materials containing your superfluous images;

6. undertake in writing to desist from using any of our entertainment material in future without prior written authority from us.

We await to hear from you immediately upon receipt of said letter of cease and desist.

This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,
M.