Meteorologists are assholes

How would you feel about going to work, only being accurate in what you do a portion of the time and feel that you have job security? You’d feel pretty good about that scenario, right? So would I! Unfortunately, the majority of society does not have that luxury. Think about it this way, in baseball, if a player averages three for ten in his at bats across the length of a season, he is a .300 hitter. This is considered to be very good in baseball, but if you think about it, that is a 70% failure rate. Other than professional sports, where can you find a profession that allows you to be off the mark that many times and still be “good” at what you do? The answer is meteorology!

Ask an Asshole: Does anyone have the Maury Show's number?

Reading the "life and Advice" columns in the newspaper can often make me feel like the voice of reason. Sometimes the people that write in to these columns are completely clueless and need an assholes perspective to the world because they are completely oblivious. Other times, like today, I feel like I can give someone the words that they need to hear simply to reinforce what they are already thinking... I give you another 'Ask an Asshole!'

The adventures of an Asshole on a Friday night…

Who would have ever thought the $3.50 metro rail ticket pictured above would have led to an amazing yet bizarre night of people watching. Well, I guess I should not have been surprised with the people I see downtown waiting for public transportation. I normally do not utilize public transportation, but this past Friday evening I made a questionable decision to take the train that runs along Main Street in Buffalo to get to my destination of choice.

Paris vs Kim: An asshole's take on socialite sex tapes

Celebrity sex tapes are a wonderful thing because you get to see these people in the most primal of acts… sex. On the television in all of their rehearsed glory, you do not get one ounce of what their personality is actually like, they for the most part try to be politically correct and not offend anyone. But, seeing them fuck, which is one of the most personal of moments (unless you are an actual porn star) one can have, you get to see a true glimpse into who they are as a person. This brings me to two of the more infamous socialites of my generation who each have had highly publicized sex tapes… Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.

An open letter of Cease & Desist to all "celebrities"

Does anyone else think that celebrity behavior can be a little bizarre? At one point not too long ago, the names celebrities chose to name their children were the strangest portion of their behavior. Recently celebrities are taking eccentric behavior to a whole new level. You have Alicia Silverstone chewing food and spitting it into her child’s mouth as if it were a baby bird and January Jones who admitted to consuming her own placenta (in pill form) in some strange “healthy post-natal regimen.” What the fuck is wrong with these people?!

Suburbanites...

I went to a Starbucks today in an attempt to find some inspiration to write. People watching is something that usually can light a fire under my ass and inspire me for better or worse. This makes coffee shops a perfect place for me to observe the clientele because they harbor all different walks of life. Generally I hope to see hipsters, collegiate aged activists and yuppies when I venture to a coffee shop because the fodder they give me is second to none. Since I do not live in the city, I was in a suburban location and somewhat disappointed that the usual targets of my ire were far and few between… and then it came to me, suburbanites! I thought back upon the last time I wrote while in a Starbucks, it was a blog titled ‘My ongoing assault on the art community'. In that piece, I had written the line “I must say, the ambiance of a Starbucks filled with suburbanite elitists may be more annoying than those filled with hipsters. That is another story for another time.” Well, I think that time is now…