Asshole writes a Horoscope

Everyone wants to know what the future holds for them. If anyone tells you differently, they are either full of shit or were dropped on their head as a child. The name Nostradamus is synonymous with someone who had a knack of predicting the future several hundred years ago. Can it be done now? People are obsessed with predictions of the impending paths life has yet to follow. How do people find these forecasts of the future? Horoscopes! These horoscopes are vaguely written and could be manipulated to fit any daily situation if you truly buy into theses prognostications. Personally, I think these things are full of shit... and I feel like the majority of people realize that they are written for entertainment purposes only. But, there are some people who actually believe in them and if the horoscopes gets some of these people to get off their ass to do something positive or feel better about their future, I am all for it. I think that I am going to throw my hat into the ring, and attempt to write one of these horoscopes at the end of this piece... that should be interesting.

Before I give writing a horoscope a try, let me dig into them a bit. Obviously, astrology is much deeper than I will get into; we are just going to do a quick overview here. Merriam-Webster defines a horoscope as “a diagram of the relative positions of planets and signs of the zodiac at a specific time (as at one's birth) for use by astrologers in inferring individual character and personality traits and in foretelling events of a person's life.” There are 12 signs in the zodiac calendar and the date you are born determines what sign you are categorized as. There are personality traits that are associated with each of the signs respectively. If you look at the personality traits that are linked to your sign, you might be able to make a connection with yourself and these personality traits. The personality traits of all of the Zodiac signs can be seen on http://bit.ly/uewqY0  which is the website I referenced. Below are the personality traits of a Scorpio, I chose to show this particular selection because it is my astrological sign.

Positive personality traits of a Scorpio:                                

Determined and forceful                                                            
Emotional and intuitive                                                                
Powerful and passionate                                                             
Exciting and magnetic. 

Negative personality traits of a Scorpio:

Jealous and resentful

Compulsive and obsessive

Secretive and obstinate

I am not going to bullshit you here… I look at these personality traits, and I do see a lot of what makes up my persona in them. Am I feeling like these traits closely match my personality because I want them to fit? Is this resemblance a case of coincidence or is it predetermined by the stars? Do these traits even resemble how I actually behave? I am not sure guess that only someone who knows me can determine that. I also would be certain of that if I read any of the other personality traits that are associated with other signs; I could possibly feel that my personality could fit that description as well. If you want to believe astrology, you will find a way to buy into it…For example, below is the horoscope for a Scorpio for Thursday, November 3, 2011 (Which is when I started drafting this piece) from http://www.horoscope.com/:

“Is a member of your household away? Your home could be a lonely place for a while. You miss your housemate, but you also enjoy the solitude and the quiet that enables you to catch up on your projects, which may include sleep! Dreams that come to you tonight could bring insights to solutions for business and finance. Write them down in the morning. You'll want to remember them.”

                Well what do we have here, is there a twist of fate here? Coincidentally due to my rotation in my custodial arrangement, I took my son back to his mothers and will not have him back until Saturday, so yes, my home is a little lonely without him here. I am also catching up on things, such as sleep as mentioned and also writing pieces for the blog (This piece you are reading is Exhibit A). OK, this horoscope does seem to fit what I am dealing with in my life right now, but is it preordained? I doubt it. The chances that each and every Scorpio is missing someone from their household at this exact moment are slim to none at best. So basically, if you are a Scorpio and no one from your home is away, this particular forecast is worthless. But, think about this… Someone could simply be at work or the store and one could technically be lonely while they are gone. Let’s also take into account that there are many different horoscopes written, and this one is the first one that I had come across. So there are other prognostications out there that may or may not fit other individuals. And again, I bet if you read the forecasts of other signs, they could fit an occurrence in your life as well… it is just a matter if you believe or not. 

Here is an asshole’s attempt at writing a Horoscope. I’ll be writing one for the Scorpios because that is my sign (Fuck the rest of you) and it is the current astrological sign we are in. For the rest of you, feel free to read and enjoy. You may find this forecast relevant to you as well…

SCORPIO:  

For the dates of October 23 - November 21:

Congratulations! It is the time of year where you celebrate your birthday. You are another year older, but not necessarily another year wiser. Also, you will most likely receive some gifts and eat some cake on your special day. Going forward, if you want to avoid headaches, do not procrastinate and put off your shopping until the last minute for the upcoming holiday season. Now stop reading these fucking horoscopes because they are full of shit!