Ask an Asshole: Dear Abby - Teenager with her head up her ass

Rarely do I agree with ‘Dear Abby’ on anything, but with this article I am on the same page as her… well at least the same chapter. She actually gives a response that I agree with, but I feel that it is lacking substance and just not deliver the message that needs to be sent. She collected a paycheck for writing a three sentence response… which is a joke. Pay me to reply, I’ll give you honest reply in these columns that contains more substance! But, we all know national publications would never allow someone like me, who is politically incorrect respond to your precious readers’ questions. This is where an asshole has to step in and pick up where “Abigail” left off and lambaste this ill-informed 15 year old cunt who wrote in. Little girl wants advice… Little bitch will get advice. Here is another ‘Ask an Asshole’ column…

Diligent mom upsets daughter

By ABIGAIL VAN BUREN – 11/2/11

http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/dear-abby/article616758.ece

Dear Abby: I’m a 15-year-old girl who has never been in trouble, but my mom treats me like I’m a criminal. She makes me go to church every Sunday. She makes me go to Catholic school, and I have to wear an ugly uniform. She won’t help with my homework. She says, “I already did 10th grade.” I can’t wear halter tops, short shorts, a bikini or much makeup.
When I go out with my friends, she wants to know where I’m going, who I’ll be with, what we’ll be doing, when we’ll be back and their phone numbers. If I have a date with a new boy, she makes him show her his driver’s license and car registration.
I can’t keep my computer in my room. When I’m using it in the den, she looks over my shoulder and won’t let me go to chat rooms. I have to set the table and sit down and have dinner with her EVERY night.
If I can’t afford something, she tells me to save up or budget better. She won’t let me drive until I can pay for my own insurance. It’s not like my mom’s poor. We go to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, and we’ve been to Europe and on cruises. But she won’t even pay for cable TV. She says it’s an idiot box and I should read a book instead.
She also makes me do my own laundry and keep my room and bathroom clean.
She makes me visit Dad every week, and if I complain about anything, she says (very calmly and quietly, which I hate more than if she’d yell), “You can always choose to live with your dad.”
She told me as long as I live under her roof, I have to abide by her rules even if I’m over 18. And I have to go to college, and if I don’t, I’ll have to get a job and support myself.
I could go on and on. Have you ever heard of a mother so unreasonable? I’m afraid to run away, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
—Emotionally Abused in California
 
Dear Emotionally Abused: Wow! Your letter should be posted on every refrigerator in the country. Rarely do I hear about a parent who tries as hard as your mother does to do a diligent job. One day you will look back and thank her.

Little Bitch who considers herself emotionally abused: Aw, you poor thing. Life is so hard for you isn’t it? You have a parent who cares about your wellbeing and giving you a respectable upbringing… I know, it so tough being a teenager. You THINK that you know everything, feel as if you are old enough to do whatever you want and make your own decisions, but you still are governed by your parents (Mother) for financial dependency because in reality, you cannot do it on your own. Are you kidding me? You are a fucking child and sound like a fucking spoiled, whiney brat! You really think you are emotionally abused?! You have no clue what abuse is, you should talk to someone who was or is a victim of abuse and then you will see how good you actually have it. So many children out there have parents that could not give two shits what their children do… How do you think that they end up?

I dislike you more and more as I write this piece. You say that you’ve “never been in trouble, but my mom treats me like I’m a criminal.” What she is doing is being a responsible parent who is concerned with her child’s development into a mature, responsible adult. I am a parent myself, my son is much younger than you and I am hoping that my relationship with him remains tough yet fair and that we always have an open sense of communication. This is not about the relationship between my son and me, so let us get back to you and your situation. She loves you and is not intending to treat you like a “criminal”, but she is being tough on you with the intent of helping you learn responsibility and an education… all will help your development in the long term. This is referred to as tough love. I will make the assumption that she is taking this method with you for a reason, and I am suspecting that you are being less than honest with your “never been in trouble” statement. You are a fucking teenager, of course you’ve gotten in some trouble if you want to admit it or not. Here is another theory; you mention that your mother makes you visit your father every weekend… Did you ever stop to think that she is a single parent and raising a child on her own is not easy? No you wouldn’t think of that because you still have no clue what life is all about you clueless little bitch. 

As an adult, I look back to when I was a teenager, and recall that I sounded a lot like you at that age. It is not just me who reflects back with this kind of hindsight, all adults look back to when they were teens and realize that we were fucking idiots during that portion of our lives. So let me break down the irrational foolishness that was spewed in your question written to “Dear Abby”, I want to address each of your concerns. I really hope you are not expecting sympathy from me because you will not find it here… If you think your mother is tough, you are in for a rude awakening when dealing with me. 

As I breakdown your letter for more intimate answers to your concerns, you’ll notice that almost your whole letter is shown below. That is because the majority of your message column was chock-full of stupidity. 

She makes me go to church every Sunday. Your Mother probably has religious values that she would like to have as a part of your upbringing. Deal with it! You can make the choice to be religious or not when you are an adult and out from your mother’s roof. 

She makes me go to Catholic school, and I have to wear an ugly uniform. See above for the religious reasoning. Unfortunately, the uniforms are mandatory in such schools… Just to let you know, there are public schools that require uniforms as well. Here is another bit of shocking information for you; When you are older, guys will be begging you to put on that catholic school outfit! Guys have a fetish for that shit! Wait until you see all of the girls dressed in slutty school girl outfits on Halloween!

She won’t help with my homework. She says, “I already did 10th grade.” Are you asking for help or asking her too essentially to do the assignments for you? I doubt that she would refuse to HELP you since she is this involved in your life. Ask for assistance or guidance, not for her to do the homework for you.

I can’t wear halter tops, short shorts, a bikini or much makeup. So you basically want to dress like a whore. I do not know what it is with you teenage girls? You get some tits and ass when you go through puberty and you treat them like new toys that you have to show off. Act your fucking age… You are a child! There will be plenty of time in your life to dress like a slut when you are of age.

She wants to know where I’m going, who I’ll be with, what we’ll be doing, when we’ll be back and their phone numbers. Until you are a parent, you will have no clue what it feels like to unconditionally love and worry for someone. There is nothing worse than having to bury your own child, trust me I know from personal experience. She just wants to know where you are and who you are with to ensure you are safe. As far as the phone numbers are concerned, she wants to know how to get ahold of you so she can check in on you to ensure your whereabouts and your safety… after all, you are a child and she is responsible for you. She also wants to know you are coming home so she is not up worrying all night. If you are home at an expected time and do not arrive home reasonably close to that time, it might be a sign that something is wrong. Like I said, you will not understand any of this until you have children of your own.

If I have a date with a new boy, she makes him show her his driver’s license and car registration. Now, this might be the only thing that I agree with you on. This is a bit much in my opinion. The phone numbers she requires should be enough. But, Is she concerned that you are lying about who you are with? This could be why she is checking ID’s… This makes me believe that you are not quite as innocent as you claim to be.

I can’t keep my computer in my room. When I’m using it in the den, she looks over my shoulder and won’t let me go to chat rooms. Again, more signs that she does not trust you. You really think that you are slick don’t you… playing the whole innocent act. The internet is full of shit that teens have no business seeing. Much of it is not secure where there is age verification. Have you ever seen that show on ‘Dateline’ called “To Catch a Predator’? Well if you have not, they catch pedophiles preying on underage kids… luring them into doing sexual things. Yes, this is a crime for adults to have sexual contact with children (And yes, a teenager is a child not matter what you think!). Your mother is worried about what you are up to. She does not trust you for a reason my dear… maybe it’s time you wake up and realize that you are the problem here!

I have to set the table and sit down and have dinner with her EVERY night. She is trying to install the values of eating a proper dinner with the family. She also might be doing this to spend some time with you. You teenagers never want to spend time with their family, this might be her way to see and talk with you.

If I can’t afford something, she tells me to save up or budget better. Your mother is trying to teach you the value of money. Everything just cannot be handed to you solely because you want it. She is trying to teach you that you have to earn the items you want. Nothing is a handout in this world.

She won’t let me drive until I can pay for my own insurance. Just to let you know, it costs money to drive a car. You have gas, insurance, possibly car payments, as well as maintenance. It is a privilege to be able to drive, a privilege you earn… and again, she is trying to install the value that you have to earn the right to drive. Just because you turn the legal age to drive does not necessarily mean you can. You have to be able to afford to drive. Get a job when you are legally able to and earn that right!

She also makes me do my own laundry and keep my room and bathroom clean. Your mother is not your fucking maid. Clean up after yourself!

She makes me visit Dad every week, and if I complain about anything, she says (very calmly and quietly, which I hate more than if she’d yell), “You can always choose to live with your dad.”  Guess what? Your father probably loves you too. There is most likely a court order that gives him custodial arraignments on the weekends. He does not get to see you as often because your primary residence is with your mother. You don’t think that he wants to spend time with his daughter? What is fucking wrong with you? You are lucky to have TWO parents that want to spend time with you. I understand you are getting older and have a social life now, but what about the parents that brought you into this world? You don’t think that they want to be a part of your life? You are an ungrateful little bitch! Tell your parents you love them, and thank them for being a part of their life!

She told me as long as I live under her roof, I have to abide by her rules even if I’m over 18. Do you know there are laws that could land incompetent parents in jail? She is  legally responsible for your safety while you are underage. Yeah, there is. Plain and simple… her house, her rules, she pays the bills. It does not matter how old you are. It is a matter of respect. Which I see that you have a lack of.

I have to go to college, and if I don’t, I’ll have to get a job and support myself. So you don’t want to go to school, and you don’t want to work? What do you want to do? How are those car expenses going to be paid for? Do you just expect your parents to support you while you sit around on your lazy ass?

You are a fucking child, remember that… think about what I have said and learn from it. I was once a rebellious teenager just like you; I grew up and realized that I did not know everything when I was a teen as I had thought. You have to learn that things will not just be handed to you. You have to earn everything you get in life. Respect your mother; she is the only one you will ever have. You’ll realize in time that your mother was just looking out for your best interest, and you will be thankful for that one day. You have a lot of growing up to do little girl…