Self psychoanalysis

          Have you ever tried to do a psychoanalysis on yourself? Granted I know that most of you are not versed in or actually have an educational background on actual psychology or psychiatry. I myself am in the same situation with not background, but I found myself literally and metaphorically laying on the couch last night trying to psychoanalyze myself. I would like to thank Adolf Hitler for this experience. I am not a Nazi (Even though my last name is of German decent) nor do I have an interest in the bigotry that is behind Nazi propagandists. I have a deep interest in history, and found myself watching a PBS documentary called "Inside the mind of Adolf Hitler".

          I am not trying to write a review on this program, but the gist of it was how during WWII, the United States had commissioned a team to do a psychological profile on the "Fuhrer" and basically had a modern psychologist review this information to see if it held up against modern standards. Granted Hitler was a madman and may be one of the most sadistic men who have ever graced the earth, I found this program to be fascinating. The program went into his past to dig into his background. One of the Freudian-ism theories that was discussed in this documentary and which helped with this profile construction was that "the personality was constructed in childhood". His father was abusive alcoholic and they go into a clinical rundown on how this can leave a lasting effect on a child, thus creating the monster we have all grown to know. I did find out on this program that Hitler had some sexual issues and found "Yellow Discipline" to be sexually exhilarating as a result of his mental instabilities (Which is extremely funny, the Grand Fuhrer liked to be pissed on. I wonder what his safe word was?)... suddenly my fetish for thigh high stockings seems rather common and dull. 
          As the program is going over this clinical explanation of the psychoanalysis of Hitler, I begin thinking "Holy shit! Some of what they are saying sounds like how I have felt and what I have gone through." I am not comparing myself to Hitler by any means, and I definitely have no plans to start my own personal racial extermination as he tried to do but I had shared experiences in some of his childhood traumas, this struck a note within me. I am not a lunatic like Hitler, but maybe my traumas could send me down other paths of darkness.
          My father was a domestic abuser as well as a womanizer who had abandoned me when I was young, I have had a child pass away, gone through a divorce and yes... all of this does leave a lasting mark on me mentally to this day. I have issues, I do not hide that fact. You see it in my writing, I have anger inside of me. Some of the things that the Psychologists were saying, really sounded like they were describing me... It was kind of frightening. The program stated that Hitler's hatred was fueled by insecurities and fear, that sounds familiar. I have seen a shrink in the past, nothing long term, even though I should revisit that idea and possibly see someone on a regular basis. I have to be there for my son physically, mentally and emotionally.
          As I was researching psychiatric complexes, I was in hypochondriac mode thinking all of these theories fit me and my personality. After researching psychiatric topics, I feel that I may have "The Wounded Self" disorder (http://www.stressdoc.com/wounded_self.htm). But most prevalently with my personality I self diagnosed myself as having Narcissistic personality disorder, which is described as "Often these patients will outwardly behave with a sense of entitlement and superiority, be dismissive of others, and often display disdainful or patronizing attitudes. However, behind these attitudes, and central to this personality disorder, are low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Although many patients accomplish high achievements" (http://www.innovationscns.com/psychotherapy-with-a-narcissistic-patient-using-kohut%E2%80%99s-self-psychology-model/).
          Maybe these theories that I am diagnosing myself with are the reasons that I am such an asshole. Maybe I am just a born asshole and am completely mentally stable and am just paranoid. If I sought out a psychologist, would I loose my edge, my personality? I do not need to be put on medication and have the liveliness sucked out of me hundreds of milligrams at a time. Why Am I thinking about all of this... all I did was watch a documentary on Adolf fucking Hitler! 
          I need to stop with the self analysis... I am not trained in this field. I am aware that I have issues, who doesn't? I think too much at times and I think this is one of those moments. I went from comparing myself to Adolf Hitler (which is not even remotely close to what I am as a person) to diagnosing myself with every mental disorder on the record. Maybe I should just read some self help books.

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