NFL Season is upon us...

    Now that the NFL lockout is over, training camp has started, and the season is fast approaching. No this is not an NFL preview blog, instead I will be focusing on drunken events that have occurred in the parking lots. I have stated before that I could care less if another NFL game is ever played on the field, the only part of football I care about is the tailgating that happens before and or after games. Football players have a sense of entitlement that somehow is formed in the High School years that lasts a lifetime, I despise this so I will not be giving them any additional attention. They think they are modern day gladiators of some sort. Gladiators fought, if you want to feel like that while playing a sport, play hockey, drop the gloves and fight.

   
    Drunken antics at football tailgates certainly out date my 34 years of existence on this earth. There is something about tailgating at football games that make people want to drink like wild animals, myself included, but I cannot quite figure it out. I really have not but much thought behind this statement, I just accept it as fact and roll with it. Here are some of my most memorable moments from tailgates past.

* I actually met my now ex-wife at a tailgate party. Here’s the story: Myself, Izzy and several other friends were at a sponsored tailgate party thrown by a local beer distributor. Tickets were required to enter this party and we did not have any extras. Stick had called us and wanted to meet up. I had informed her that we were at a private party and did not have any extra tickets. Stick was with a guy she was talking to that I had not met yet (Actually he ended up being one of my buddies) and my future ex-wife. As I was on the phone with her, I was in line getting ready to break the seal, and I notice a gate that could be opened right by the porta-potties. I look around to check the security detail and I only see a “young lady” at the party entrance collecting tickets. I let them know of the potential entry and they agree to try and head our way. I see them approaching and head over to flirt with said “girl”. I walk over and put my around it... Much to my surprise, it is a frail guy with long blonde hair that basically looks like a woman from a distance from afar and behind. Immediately I notice that is is a man and say “Oh Sorry, my friends bet that I wouldn't hit on the chick at the door.” I remember this quote as clear as any that I have ever said from the embarrassment of the situation. He replied back to me “it’s all good bro.” Fuck that was really embarrassing, and my friends saw it happen, this was definitely not the proudest moment of my life. As I was walking back with my tail between my legs, I see that Stick and her people had indeed gained access and were with Izzy and the boys. I ended up hanging out with, subsequently dating and marrying my future ex-wife from this tailgate. In hindsight, I should have realized a relationship that began out of my only instance of hitting on a man would end badly...

* At another sponsored party Izzy may have pulled off the most embarrassing yet talented moves, both at the same time. Let me describe the scene. It was a cool fall afternoon. There was a tent set up in a bar parking lot, it was one of the large tents that have the poles supporting the tent top in several locations down the center of the tent. There was the tall space heaters chained to each of these poles to heat the patrons underneath the coverage. Izzy was looking to get some ass, and noticed a few cute ladies across the party on the outside of the tent. he started pointing that them to show us what he was looking at. Unfortunately there was a predator lurking. This predator was a large, round unattractive woman and she took this point in her direction as a sign that we were checking her out. She begins to walk our way and Izzy literally begins to run away, this alone is funny, but what happens next is priceless! As he is running away he tries to take a short cut by going between one of the tents support poles and one of the space heaters that were chained to the pole. His feet catch the chain and the only way to describe the image is picture a lumberjack taking down a tree and it being all stiff falling to the ground. He goes straight down and face-plants! The impressive part of this is that he did not spill a drop of his beer! How he did not spill the beer after this legendary tumble is absolutely amazing. First thing I do in my drunken state is laugh hysterically, I don’t even ask if he is OK initially... this makes me feel like a piece of shit. But, to this day, there is nothing funnier than someone falling down.

*The Pittsburgh Steelers were in town, which means Steelers nation invades Buffalo with it only being a 3 hour drive. We begin drinking at 8 in the moring, so by noon we are completely shit-faced.A few of us decide to go walk through the parking lot to see what other people have going on at their parties. For some reason, JK and I decide to play a game of capture the flag. We climb up onto of a RV camper that is in the parking lot and take the Steelers flag that was flying atop of it (I now see that there is karma, as we discussed how my pirate flag was taken in the Kenny Chesney blog). We go running back to our tailgate giggling like some 10 year old school girls. A local radio station which broadcasts from the parking lot happened to be driving through the lot, broadcasting from a golf cart at various tailgates. They were witness to our game of capture the flag and asked if we wanted to go on the air. Of course we did!. We say a few words and proceed to burn the flag as they are doing an on air play by play of the fire.

* This has nothing to do with drinking, but my friends think it was hilarious. We had been playing catch with a football. There was some elderly people at the spots next to us sitting in lawn chairs (I guess old people like football too). A ball was thrown my way, it was over thrown. I had to make a split second decision. Let the ball go over my head and probably hit some old bitch in the head or go up and try to make the catch and save someone from a broken hip. I chose to go up, try to make the catch and play hero. Only part was I did not realize the the SUV that they were sitting in front of had the their rear hatch open. It was one of those hatches that has the rear tire mount. Well as I went up to make the catch, I went stomach first into the tire attached to the hatch and shot off like a slingshot. I went to the ground hard, with the wind knocked out of me... but, I held onto that goddamn ball! I should have let it pass over me and drill those old fucks. Izzy still think that this is funny to this day.

* One particular Sunday, we just went to tailgate and not attend the game. After several hours of hard drinking, we decide that we should go scalp some tickets. As we are walking around asking for tickets, a sheriff on horseback politely, asks us to move it along, us in our drunken stupor translate this as this cop is a huge dick. As soon as said deputy asks us to move along, Izzy says to the Sheriff "I'm going to punch your horse in the face”. I find this to be hilarious, the officer of the law does not... He says to Izzy "What did you say to me!" Izzy says "Oh nothing" and we go on our way. Now the details of the rest of this incident are someone hazy, so I do not remember the specifics, but we both exited arrest free. Who says that they’re going to punch a massive horse? Izzy! Ha-Ha!

* Exiting the stadium there are always the religious freaks with their signs of protest and warship. One particular bible-thumper happened to catch my attention. He was dressed as if he was Amish holding a sign that said “God Hates You!” I see this and feel the need to fuck with him. I walk over and put my hand on his shoulder and say “It is OK my son, I am here.” He looks at me with disgust in his eyes and says “You are not the lord and savior Jesus Christ!” I say “Who are you to deny your maker? You will not be saved with damnation upon us!” At this point an officer of the law approaches and says “OK Jesus, time to go.” I take this as a hint to leave or be arrested... I walk away. 

* Walking from our tailgate to one particular game from our tailgate party, we managed to obtain a huge Jagermeister flag... this thing was huge. I would assume it was about 12x9. As we are walking we see the Jagermeister bus parked in a parking lot. We start chanting "Jager-Bombs Jager-Bombs!" The Jager promotional girls call us over to the bus, which we are happy to do. We are partying with the Jager crew, doing Jager-Bombs passing around the beers we had brought along for the walk. The massive flag is flying off of the top of the Jagermeister bus and we ask what it would take to get that flag from them. The say simply "Can you get it on TV?" Our reply "Absolutely", but were not about to go running on the field like some drunken idiots, we explain that we are sitting in the corner of the end-zone really close to the to the field. They are satisfied with this response and give us the flag. They give us the flag, we do another round of Jager-Bombs and make our way to the stadium. I wear the flag to the stadium like a cape as I am proud of this acquisition. Once we are in our seats, the Bills score in our end-zone Izzy and I stretch out across a few empty seats and open our trophy of a flag up to fulfill our end of the bargain. Once the revelry settles down, a person in a wheel chair expresses his feelings on how he would like us to give him our flag. I say something along the lines of sorry buddy, this flag is ours. He continues ranting behind us saying that we should give him the flag because he is handicapped. Eventually I have enough of his bitching, turn back and say "I don't give a fuck if you're handicapped! Shut the fuck up, everything is not a hand out!" He bitches and calls me an asshole... I just ignore him for the rest of the afternoon. What we should have done is put the flag over him like a cover. Why are people always exploiting their physical appearance looking for handouts?


    These are just some of the stories I can remember, I am sure that there is much more debauchery that has lost during moments of extreme inebriation. I plan on making a return to the parking lots surrounding 1 Bills Drive this upcoming season, I’m not sure we will reach the same levels of insanity since I am now older and wiser... but add alcohol and who knows what can happen. Stay tuned!