The Great Strip Club Debacle

Canadian Strip clubs are like the wild west of gentleman's clubs. The rules at the strip clubs north of the border are more laxed, which is a great thing for those of us who live just minutes from the Canadian border. At strip clubs here in the States, you walk up to the stage place the tip in her g-string as she is in front of you wearing pasties and you might get a kiss on the cheek if you’re lucky... yeah, that does not happen up north. The girls there are full nude, no thong, no pasties. There, you actually crawl up, lay on the stage with the dollar in your teeth while come over grind on you for a bit, put their ‘private area” inches from your nose and then pick the dollar out of your mouth with their tits or other parts of their bodies (Take a guess what parts). The back room dances are a little naughtier, you can literally refer to them as “lap dances” in the Canadian clubs. Another great point is that the legal drinking age in Canada is only 19. You have to love Canada for this.

In our younger years, we ventured north of the border fairly regularly to go to a Canadian Strip Club called Pure Platinum, it was only a fifteen minute ride from home, it would practically be a sin not to go there as a young man. Who am I kidding, in our late teens and early twenties we had VIP privileges there we went so often. One particular trip to Pure Platinum in my younger years was a night where someone above was really looking out for us... both personally and legally. Now this was on a weekday evening, a Thursday if I can remember this correctly. I had gone up there early, around 5pm with a buddy of mine, we will call him KK. Izzy was going to meet us later in the evening and I had invited an attractive blonde girl and her friend to join us. Now this young lady may or may not have been my superior and my place of employment at the time and really did not expect them to show up which makes this even better.

KK was a guy that came from a family of wealth and when we went out he liked to throw his cash around... reflecting back on that it was sad because he had some real self esteem issues and flaunting his money seemed to fill that void. At the time it was fantastic as you did not have to pay for shit when he was out. So when KK and I had gotten to the club, we said our hellos and took a horseshoe table right in front of the stage. We had started drinking and several of the dancers had made their way to our table. KK had bought a bunch of Horseshoe table dances and several shots so the party in the club was basically happening at our table. The club was fairly empty this early but there was a few patrons in there. An hour or so passes and a guy at the horseshoe next to was was clearly aggravated that we had monopolized the talent at the club. He was yelling all kinds of crap in our direction I just ignored it and focused on the drinks and the ladies. After a few minutes of this guys bitching the normally reserved KK said something back to him along the lines of we are the ones spending the cash yada yada yada. The guy started calling us rich pricks and other names then KK just simply said “OK Chachi” (Yes, that has an attempt at a Happy Days reference) For some reason, getting called a chachi set this guy off. He walked over to our table, punched KK in the face and just walked out of the bar. I could not believe that this guy just did that. Of course this brought KK all kinds of attention sympathy from the dancers so who really won in the end.

Shortly after the assault, KK was feeling a sense of embarrassment and wanted to get out of there. So he had left and I had decided to stay there by myself because I knew that Izzy would be there shortly so I had continued drinking. When Izzy arrived I had let him know what happened and the party continued. Around this time the shot girl and a supply of dancers were practically a fixture at our table which I had no problem with. We had a decent buzz going and all of a sudden the girls I had invited to meet us up had walked in. Izzy and I both realize at this point that this night may be a night of legendary status.

Throughout the course of the night prior to the girls arriving, we in addition to the exploits at our table had been going on the stage to tip the young ladies that were dancing that night. There also may have been some lap dancing right at our table. Bringing ladies to a strip club with you draws the strippers over like flies on shit. We already had a steady stream of action going on, but this just intensified the action. The girls had been drinking with us for a bit and Izzy goes on stage to tip one of the dancers. While he is on there he makes a business transaction with the dancer to really put a show on if we can get our female guests on the stage to tip. It comes to find out that Izzy only threw her $5 to get the dancer to agree to this... I love it! Within minutes we get the ladies on the stage to tip and it is on! The dancers are basically putting on a lesbian show with our ladies, clothes are coming of of our attractive guests... this is fucking amazing! Bonus be seeing our guests get naked along with the dancers! We end up staying at the club until is closes at 2am and walk the girls out to their car. I end up hooking up with my co-worker, and Izzy hooks up with her friend. Unfortunately we did not get to close the deal with them... just some kissing and heavy petting, but after a fantastic night like that I am OK with it.

We are really fucking hammered at this point and were in no condition to be driving. But, we are young idiots and try to drive anyway. (I do not condone drinking and driving, I am a grown man now and work with the law for a living. Everyone is young and stupid at some point) We do not get very far and decide that it is best to pull into a parking lot and sleep it off. As we are park the vehicle, an officer of the law pulls in behind us and approaches the vehicle. This is not good at all... we are extremely drunk, well past the limit of an aggravated DWI charge. The officer comes up to the window and says “Have you boys been drinking?” Foolishly we tell the Officer that we had been and realized that we should not be driving so we pulled into the parking lot to sleep it off. The Officer tells us that we have made a good choice, tells us to sleep it off and departs. Holy shit are we fucking lucky.

After for sitting around for a half hour or so, Izzy and I are thinking we really have to get home, we both have to work in the morning. We decide to try and drive again to get home. We think that if we take an alternative route to the Bridge to the USA, we can avoid police detection. Again... wrong choice. We begin to drive and do not make it very far when the same officer pulls us over. This is really not good, we are drunk driving in a foreign county, we are fucked. He comes up to the car and is PISSED OFF! He was saying “I thought I had told you guys to stay there! I was watching to see if you guys would leave!” We were like, I am sorry officer we just wanted to go to Tim Horton’s to get some food and coffee to help sober us up. He was saying that he could cite us for drinking and driving, basically giving us the riot act... which we had deserved. He tells us to park the car and walk to Tim Horton’s. I proceed to tell the officer that I had a knee injury from playing hockey (I actually did) and asked if he would drive us there. What idiot in their right mind asks to get into the back of a police car after getting stopped twice by the same police officer in less than an hour for drinking and driving. That would be the idiot writing this piece... Me! Shockingly, the kind officer agrees to drive us there on one condition... that we give him our keys.

We get into the back of the police cruiser and he takes us to Tim Horton’s as he had agreed to. The officer walks us into Tim Horton’s and hands our keys to the store manager and tells them not to give those back to us until 5am. I proceed to pass out on the table while Izzy stays away and drinks his coffee. The employees at this place had to laugh their asses off at us drunken fools. At 5am, we get our keys back and make the short journey back across the border and head home. (FYI: This event happened prior to 9/11 when it was much easier to cross the border)

What a night this was! I saw someone get punched in the face, nude women, had gotten extremely drunk, hooked up with an attractive girl and had the luck of the Irish on my side for getting off of DWI charges not once, but TWICE! I am very happy that this officer was in no mood to fill out DWI paperwork. If I ever find out who this Officer in Ft Erie, Ontario was, I would love to thank him and buy him a beer. It was safe to say that work the next morning was not pleasant, but with the debaucheries we had experienced this night, it was all worth it. I really loved Canada on this particular night, I may sing the anthem in memory. O Canada, our home and native land...

Just a reminder: Drinking and driving is a crime, and do not encourage one doing it. Call a fucking cab, have a designated driver.. I do not give a fuck if you call and wake up your parents up for a ride. Your life as well as others are at stake. Admittedly, I was a fool at that age and was lucky, but not everyone will be as lucky as I was.