Be Patient...

          Please be patient with me if the posts are not as frequent the next week or so. Thursday, July 21st is the anniversary of my son Nolan's birthday/passing, he would have been 4 this year. This portion of the summer season is extremely tough on me as I carry a feeling of loss that can never be filled or replaced. My heart and mind are so preoccupied leading up to this day, I am more irritable, lack concentration and struggle to feel any emotion outside the realm of anger and sadness. I feel at times like an anti-social or an introvert and go into my own world of solitude as I am haunted by memories of being the lone pallbearer for Nolan's burial.

          In the four years since Nolan's death, I have found ways to deal with the struggles of not having my first born son here with us. I am not the same person that I was prior to this tragedy, a part of my soul died along with Nolan, but that is a good thing as I have grown into a far better person. What I mean by that is that I am no longer the emotional train-wreck on a daily basis that I was right after his passing, I have matured into a responsible adult, and have found my smile again. This by no means states that I am completely over my sons death nor have I or will ever forget it, but I am no longer confined by walls of feeling sorry for myself.
          Dealing with the anniversary this year is going to be different this year since I will be doing it on my own. Sure I have a support system around me of family and friends, but it is difficult to share my pain with them. I find it difficult to open up to my support because they have not lived the experience that I have. I have always found comfort with my Ex-Wife this time of year. She is the only one who felt the same traumatic loss and understands exactly what I am feeling and going through. For me it is tough to open up and find solace with someone that has not experienced this type of pain, I cannot even open up fully to my own mother. Since my divorce I have felt lonely at times, but I fear this year I may slip into a whole new level of loneliness as I will be dealing with the memory of Nolan's passing emotionally alone.
          I am hoping to find a distraction during this time of painful memories. I was hoping that this blog would help but I am struggling to feel like myself let alone find the ambition to write amusing pieces. This is where the "Calling all Assholes" campaign comes into play. I am hoping that reader involvement will help me either get out of this funk, or give me a source of ammunition to jump back into writing once the anniversary passes. Mr. Bain, I have a short story for your 5 roper topic that you suggested... Thank you for pitching in.

Lets keep the suggestions/questions coming... even an asshole needs a little lift every now and then.