Kids...

          Nolan… Oh how I wish you were here buddy. Most people go through life wondering what their purpose is here on earth and never accomplish anything. Now Nolan was our first son who was sadly stillborn and never had the chance to live. The sad part is that he could have been destined for greatness, that little guy accomplished more in the 8 ½ months he spent in the womb that I will or most people ever will in their entire lives. He saved my life… he made a man of me.


          From the moment I found out she was pregnant, I woke up, began to straighten my life out, partying was no longer the priority in my life. I was going to be a dad. Granted I still have many flaws today, who doesn’t, but finding out I was going to be a father was a wake-up call to become a better person… to make sure that I would be there for my kids which is more that I can say about the example I had to follow in my sperm donor. Being a selfish asshole as I had been was no longer and option.

          Now having Nolan pass away and having Cole here now, I still am conflicted inside about some things. I cannot think of Cole as an only child because he did have an older brother, he may not be here with us now, but none the less he was here and is now at home in his final resting place. The truth is that Cole is essentially an only child because he brother is not here with him.

           I love my children, both dead and alive, but I feel terrible that I will probably never give Cole a sibling that he would have the chance to get to know and love. I just don’t think I have it in me to heal enough to ever want to have kids with someone else. To be honest, I do not want to. You just do not know what life has in store for you. What if I did go on and have another child and lightning strikes twice and I have to put another child in the grave… I could not handle that. Or what if there was a situation where you’re in a relationship and things seem fine one minute, the next your world could be turned upside down and you are in a joint custody situation. I hate seeing Cole part time; I couldn’t bear having another child and be relegated to the job of part-time parent again... Part-Time Dad, that’s a job title I never wanted in the first place. Besides, I am not keen on the whole half brother/sister thing. Something with siblings not having the same DNA just does not resonate with a total family bond in my mind. There will always be something different between the kids.

          Call me a pessimist, but I’ve been there… both situations I mentioned above, so don’t tell me not to only focus on the bad and stay positive. Until you’ve walked in my shoes… kiss my ass! You can’t imagine how I feel on a daily basis and the emotional struggles I deal with.