Even an asshole can be vulnerable.

I really do not have much to say lately. I’ve had a case of writers block as far as my blogs go, I’ve been unusually quiet and tame on twitter. You may be thinking, what is wrong with me. Actually, there is nothing wrong with me. For once in my life, I am at peace. When I am at peace, I am generally quiet. What is that saying about not waking a sleeping giant? This is peace is an unfamiliar territory for me as I have spent the majority of my life angry at the world. How long with this cease-fire with the world last? Who knows? If history has anything to say about this lull in my aggression, it will not last for long.

Now, some of you may be pissed off because this blog is not what you are used to seeing from me and it is not something that I usually write. I have one thing to say to you if something like that did cross your mind… Kiss my ass! Maybe two things… Fuck off! I do not make myself vulnerable often, so let me run with it when I actually make the decision to do so.

What you have to realize here is what the subtitle of this blog is, “Inside the mind of an idiot.” I started this blog to have a space to write whatever was on my mind. Writing blogs is a source of therapy for me as is posting on Twitter. More often than not, I am foaming at the mouth about something, but if you have been reading my nonsense from the beginning, you might remember that I had written sentimental pieces as well… not everything that crosses my mind is lusting with anger and fueled by hate. I do have issues, but I am not a psychopath after all.

With the way I write, speak and carry myself (for those who know me personally), you may not realize that I fight an ongoing battle with depression. I am in a place where I am OK with admitting that this is an issue I deal with on a daily basis. Depression is a mental health disorder that many people deal with whether it is diagnosed or not. If you think I am less of a person for having such a problem, I dare you to debate me or get into a battle of wits with me. Let’s see how you fare against someone who has mental stability issues like I do. I do not like most people’s chances.

I have fought through these mental health issues on my own and have found temporary moments of clarity along the way and also with the help of medicine from time to time. I’ve also tried talking with mental health professionals, but have had an issue finding someone who I can connect with. I need to find a therapist who is someone who I feel is more intelligent than I am. The ones I have spoken with could have actually been more intelligent than I am. With the way I think, I need the therapist to convince me that that they are of a higher intellect and I have not felt that come across from these people… feelings are subjective to each of us.

I’ve always found a comfort zone and confidence within my anger; you might be able to pick up on that by reading my words. What I am feeling the past week and a half or so, is that same feeling of confidence and comfort without having the anger flowing through my veins. Not all that long ago, I was in the depths of a major bout with my depression and self-loathing issues. Most people would not know that as I’ve become fairly adapt in being able to mask my issues in social and professional settings. 

Even though anger and depression is something I have always struggled with, this latest spell was much deeper than most of the spells I have fought in the past. I did not medicate often, nor did I seek any professional help during this stretch, but for some reason I came out of it recently feeling really calm. How can this be? How did I not come out of it in my customary “asshole” persona? Sure, there is always a bit of asshole in my personality, but it is nowhere near the levels the world has become accustomed to. 

What is the difference in me that has led me to this level of calmness? I have dealt with some issues in my life that have led me to this path of depression that I have come to know as life. To start, I have a career that I really love, which something that I never thought that I would say. That alone is not something that could lead me to inner peace. The real questions are… Have I come to the grips of a tumultuous childhood where I was the product of a broken home? I will never forget my first child passing away, but have the wounds of healed to the point where I can live a normal life? Has my feelings of failure from an unsuccessful marriage relegating me to joint custody of my son been put to rest? I unconditionally love my son and am genuinely happy when I am with him, seeing his smiling face melts my blackened soul. Has this unconditional happiness transitioned to the times when my son is with his mother?

I do not think I can confidently answer any of those questions with a 100% certainty, but those issues are not in the forefront of my mind for a change. I realize that I am not cured of my issues by any means by this latest breakthrough and my current passive state of being. What we have here is a small step in the right direction towards stability. Yes, I feel slightly boring in my present mental disposition, but I have known is anger, irritation and rage in my life. It is going to be a transition to become comfortable if and when I finally can maintain this inner peace. Enjoy this while it lasts… I may be back to ranting and raving like an asshole tomorrow for all I know.