Ask an Asshole: Relationship experts are just as delusional

Holy shit! Another one of those what the fuck moments… This time it was found in a local relationship column. Some people really are in need of advice from an asshole.

Be willing to wait for the right person:  By Patti Novak – 1/21/2012

http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/queen-city-matchmaker/article714771.ece

Q: I am in my 30s. A friend of mine recently got engaged to a mediocre guy. When she told me, I felt bitter instead of happy for her. She is very dramatic and has a lot of emotional baggage, yet she is able to get at least some kind of man, and I am not. She reminds me of this constantly. I have been concentrating on my personal life, work, reading, hobbies, bettering myself, etc., to keep my mind off of it and hopefully attract someone worthy, but it is getting frustrating. I am starting to doubt that I ever will find someone, and I worry that I am destined to be single forever. I feel guilty about resenting my friend, but I can’t help it. Do you have any advice?
—D.L., Buffalo

A: Not all relationships are created equal. You have to recognize the difference between real love and dysfunctional love. It sounds like your friend might be settling for the first guy to come along that she has chemistry with. Their relationship is likely not ideal if she has so much baggage and he is, as you described, mediocre. Who wants to marry someone who is mediocre? Don’t feel jealous or bitter. There is plenty of dysfunction to go around in this world, and a lot of people are fine with settling for mediocre, but you don’t have to be.

Take a look at your other friends and family. Do they all have ideal relationships? Take a look at your past relationships and ask yourself how many of them were less than wonderful. Even though you may have suffered heartbreak from some of them, I would bet that you now wonder what you ever saw in them in the first place. You can have a relationship, but you don’t need to settle. Good people deserve extraordinary love.
Society encourages quick fixes, which is why there are a lot of dull, mediocre relationships. It is instilled in us that we must find someone, get married, have children — all in a certain amount of time. However, that does not always happen.

Taking the time you are single to better yourself and grow as a person will allow you to be the best person you can be, which will attract the best in return. The same people who you think are lucky to find mediocre relationships also may be the ones who think you are crazy for getting in touch with your core — they don’t want deep and meaningful relationships, they want quick and easy ones.

Embrace your inner yearning for more. You are in charge of your destiny and you have the ability to design a life that is more fulfilling. If you are hard on yourself, it most likely is because you want the best in your life. Don’t let it tear you down and don’t feel something is wrong because you don’t have what others only appear to have.

Simply finding a boyfriend does not translate into true happiness. Your friends and family who are settling for mediocre partners only reinforces their own feelings that they don’t deserve more. Don’t compare yourself to these people, because apparent happiness can be deceitful. Instead of thinking that there is something wrong with you that you need to fix, believe that there is something right within you because you are willing to wait for the right person.

Distance yourself from people who make you feel bad about your love life. Surround yourself with people who desire the same things as you, and keep putting yourself out there to find love without settling for the first guy who shows interest.

Let’s Ask an Asshole: You are in your thirties huh? Let me guess, late thirties. Because you are not specifying your exact age, I’m going to assume the worst. You would have specified if you were in your early thirties if you indeed were in that category. You have a lot to say about your friend (very dramatic and has a lot of emotional baggage), but say very little about yourself? What is that? Are you afraid to turn that perception around on yourself? Are you afraid what you might not see, but men obviously do? Maybe you are in denial that you are the one who is “very dramatic and has a lot of emotional baggage.” You mention that your friend keeps reminding you that she has a man and you do not. Did you ever this is her way of trying to knock you of your high and mighty horse? 

You are too self-centered to realize that your friend is happy with this man she is now engaged to. Who are you to call this man mediocre? What makes him unsuitable? By definition mediocre is “of moderate or low quality, value, ability.” I really wish that you would have included some examples of why. Is it that he is not attractive enough for your superficial standards? Does he not make figures or have a body like a Greek god? Maybe you set your physical and materialistic criteria too high for men… You would not be single otherwise.
Everyone wants to be with someone that they are attracted to, I am no exception. I am on record stating that if anyone tells you differently that they are full of shit. But, not everyone is going to date a supermodel; there are plenty of attractive people that are not the fantasy once in a lifetime catch. You are delusional if you think that you are going to land the person you are obviously holding out for.

Go ahead and keep focusing on your “personal life, work, reading, hobbies, bettering” yourself while your friend is finding happiness. Maybe you should work on your own issues before trying to get yourself into a relationship. Trust me on this one; a broken person is not the ideal person to sustain a successful relationship. 

Patty… I need to get into this statement.  “It sounds like your friend might be settling for the first guy to come along that she has chemistry with. Their relationship is likely not ideal if she has so much baggage and he is, as you described, mediocre. Who wants to marry someone who is mediocre? Don’t feel jealous or bitter. There is plenty of dysfunction to go around in this world, and a lot of people are fine with settling for mediocre, but you don’t have to be.”

Where do you get that this friend is settling for “the first guy to come along that she has chemistry with?” There was no mention of that in the letter. You are just as delusional as the superficial bitch who wrote into you in the first place! You are being an enabler by going along with this idiot’s claim of the man being mediocre and the friend having emotional baggage. There is no proof of these allegations, you are just taking her at her word which might not be the best decision you’ve ever made. Also, are you too ignorant to see that this woman has an issue with both people involved in her letter and that she seemingly views herself as a superior person? How did I get to this conclusion on how she believes she is superior? Well, that is simple the statement “hopefully attract someone worthy”. Really? Worthy? As if someone should feel blessed to be with her? Should men refer to her as “Her Royal Highness”? This woman has high maintenance written all over her and to be honest, a lot of respectable men do not want to deal with that. You call yourself a relationship expert and cannot see this? 

I am no expert, nor do I claim to be. But, what I do have is experience. I have seen the best of times, the worst of times and some places in between. I have been with some really great women, some lunatics and people in between. I have also struggled with self-esteem and self-image. Maybe this woman you are attempting to give advice to should focus on fixing herself before embarking on a relationship with anyone… “Worthy” or unworthy. Until that happens, she will never have a successful relationship.