Ask an Asshole: Miss Manners column makes another appearance

I have said it before and I will say it again… Advice columns are a gold mine for an asshole to find topics to vent on. Some of people that write in to syndicated columns are delusional and are in need of unfiltered advice instead of sugar coated, try not to offend anyone words of advice. I believe that I have found another treasure in a “Miss Manners” column recently. Here is another response in the Ask an Asshole series…

Have a presumption of good will

By Judith Martin - November 29, 2011, 6:29 AM

http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article652583.ece

Dear Miss Manners: I was thrown for a loop by this situation at Thanksgiving, which I was overseeing at my 88- year-old mother’s home. My brother’s brood of young adults arrived before noon, an hour earlier than I’d expected them. I was effusive in welcoming them in, and did the best I could to be gracious as they all crowded into the kitchen, each asking what they could do to help. I said thank you, but I really just needed to concentrate on completing my mother’s dishes for the “landing.” 

The next thing I know, two of them are going for the coffee maker and preparing to brew a pot. I regret that I snapped—stopping the operation with the admonishment that this wasn’t brunch but dinner, and we would serve coffee after the meal. After the meal, before I knew it, they were all standing in the kitchen with mugs of coffee they’d made (instead of letting me use my mother’s lovely, little-used coffee service). 

I realize my sore point is a minor one (although not for them, as they had apparently skipped breakfast and planned to make coffee here). But I also find the coffee thing has spiraled out of control the way cigarettes once did—the assumption that everyone is entitled to have a cup (or three or four) whenever and wherever they are. 

Please advise on how to accommodate this new addiction with more grace than I did. I still feel terrible.

Gentle Reader: Because your nieces and nephews asked for morning coffee at Grandmother’s house and were willing to make it themselves? Were you suffering from a touch of Thanksgiving stress?

Miss Manners does not mean to be unsympathetic about the task of putting on such a dinner, apparently single-handedly. She understands what a nuisance it can be to have crowds in the kitchen while you are in the throes of preparation. Perhaps uniquely, she shares your feelings about the pretty coffee service being bypassed in favor of mugs. 

However, things would have gone better if you had really taken charge, not just made the meal. You might have accepted offers of help. Or you could have said: “Thanks, but I just need a little room here until I’m done. It would help if just one of you made the coffee over there, and took it out to the rest. I’ll be serving coffee after dinner, so don’t worry about it then.” 

Please remind yourself to have a presumption of good will. These are not vandals attacking your dinner; they are your young relatives, gathering for a family holiday. Good will would be a good thing to have at Christmas. 

Asshole says: So you are looking for advice on how to handle your family with “more grace” because you feel “Terrible” on your recent behavior. Well… You have come to the right place! I think I have just the advice that you need to hear because not many others will give you the brutal honestly that you are about to face.

 All I can say is WOW! With the level of elitism that you are showing against your fucking family in this letter, you are lucky that you had any guests at all for the holiday. You may be one of the most loathsome people I have ever heard of! What was Miss Manners thinking in referring to you as “Gentle Reader”? You refer to your nieces and or nephews as” My brother’s brood of young adults”? Are you kidding me? You are acting like these people are homeless people who you begrudgingly are having over for a holiday meal… This is your fucking family! 

You stated that you were “effusive in welcoming them in “… Do you even know what the word effusive means? I mean, if you are going to use an uncommon word to try and sound sophisticated you should at least know what it means. By definition effusive is: “Expressing feelings of gratitude, pleasure, or approval in an unrestrained or heartfelt manner: "an effusive welcome".” Go back and read your letter to Miss Manners, do you think that you were any of that? I would say that you RELUCTANTLY welcomed them in to the home. You clueless, self-righteous bitch… your phony sophistication is appalling. 

I understand that your guests arrived early which is an inconvenience, but are you sure that you clearly stated what your expectations on when your guests were to arrive? I could picture you stating in your pretentious way saying that the meal is going to be served at (such and such time) and expected to them to arrive at exactly meal time. If so, maybe they arrived early to socialize before the meal instead of having the feeling of dining out at a restaurant… you know, where you show up, are seated, eat and then leave. Also you noted that what you refer to as the “brood” offered to assist you in meal preparations which is quite courteous considering that you seemed to be preparing the meal on your own. This gesture is more than many hosts may ever receive from guests. You are an ungrateful bitch... Instead of being gracious that your guests (family) offered to help, you are outraged? While I am at it… why did you choose to call the meal a “landing” because a turkey (bird) is traditionally served? Was that a lame attempt on your part at a pun in regards to the holiday meal? You couldn’t just call it a meal or Thanksgiving dinner? That comment is just another bit of evidence of your phoniness… 

Now to deal with the Coffee situation... I really don’t want to go here, but how could I neglect it? I understand that you had grand plans to use the coffee service after dinner, and just because that your guests had coffee before the meal did not have to alter those plans in the least. Do you feel that the guests should not be served a drink prior to a meal? Actually, in my opinion, I believe that it is standard protocol… Have you never been served coffee and or cocktail prior to a formal sit down meal at events such as a wedding and or banquet?  I am not going to comment on your craziness over the use of mugs as that might send me into a homicidal rage. But, I could only imagine what your reaction would have been if they had asked for Styrofoam cups to drink coffee from.

You may think that you are full of class and dignity, but you are a piece of shit! I can tell that you really “tried” on this letter in an attempt to sound refined while writing to Miss Manners. What you did accomplish is making yourself sound like an idiot. I really hope you die miserable and alone… Sure, you can take the easy way out and accept this transgression of events as a case of “Thanksgiving Stress” as Miss Manners had suggested, but that excuse would be a farce in my not so humble opinion.