Ask an Asshole - Miss Manners question gets a response from an asshole.

We can take the crosshairs off of Dear Abby for a moment right? I stumbled onto a column that is just screaming out that it needs the attention of an asshole. Miss Manners writes an advice column based on the subject of etiquette... You can say that I am her polar opposite. Should I be writing this column under a pen name such as Mr. Uncouth, Mr. Ill-mannered, Mr. uncivilized, Mr. Foulmouthed…? Today I’ll be fielding a question on etiquette (since this is a topic I am so versed on) and giving the response an asshole would give. Here is another column in the ‘Ask an Asshole’ series…

‘You don’t see French women with stains on their bosoms.’

Scarf can hide a stain

By Judith Martin: October 16, 2011

http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article595909.ece

Dear Miss Manners: It has always been my understanding that the purpose of a napkin in the lap is to prevent one from soiling one’s clothes should anything fall. Unfortunately for me, as a well-endowed woman, things that fall from spoon or fork always end up on my shirt instead.

In particular, I seem to have a difficult time with soup. I am a careful eater, so this is not an everyday occurrence, and usually I am able to avoid foods like soup that are especially treacherous for me.

However, I have recently begun dating a gentleman whom I would very much like to impress with my ladylike charms. He has invited me to dine with him at his home and has informed me that he will be serving his famous homemade chicken soup. I am sure it will be delicious, but I am very afraid that I may drop some of that soup onto my shirt. Short of wearing a blouse the color of chicken soup, do you have any soup-eating tips that may help me avoid some embarrassment?

Gentle Reader: Not charming: bibs, stained clothes and hunching over like a question mark.
Charming: a soft scarf draped around the neck.

Miss Manners arrived at this valuable knowledge by thinking about that treacherous potage, French onion soup. You don’t see French women wandering around with stains on their bosoms. You do see them with lovely scarves fetchingly arranged. Whether they flick these scarves during romantic suppers, in order to conceal a telltale stain or a string of cheese, she cannot say. But she does know that it is cheaper to have a scarf cleaned than a blouse.

Dear Big Tits: OK, so you are trying to impress this gentleman who you’ve recently started dating right? Just skip the whole formality of the trying to impress him by being ladylike since it seems like something that you have to put effort into doing and just be yourself. He is obviously interested in and dating you for a reason, and I am fairly confident in saying that it is not for your etiquette... The answer to this might be the buxom feature that you are so concerned about soiling. If you are so worried about soiling your blouse because of your curves, I have a solution for you. It is not wearing a scarf like a geriatric prude would suggest or wearing a blouse that is the color of soup like you mentioned. You should wear a low cut, revealing blouse that exposes your assets. If you spill some on yourself, problem solved! Just casually wipe the spill off of your cleavage… and I am sure he will appreciate the view. If he only wants you for your etiquette, maybe he should be looking for men in gay pride parades or chasing old bags like the one in the photo Miss Manners displays on her columns… Hell, maybe she is a lonely widow looking to for a “gentleman” to keep her company.

The one thing that you have to remember here is that accidents happen. Keep the meal casual and relaxed, if you put so much thought and caution into eating, you are prone to have a spill because of the pressure that you are putting on yourself. No matter what you end up wearing, just try your best not to be a slob and spill soup on your chest. But, in the event that you do spill some soup on yourself, make light of it… laugh it off. Do you think Monica Lewinsky gave a shit when her dress got soiled? 

Speaking of whores, keep this quote that I am about to reference in the back of your mind. I am not sure of its origins or who is credited for saying it but it fits this situation. “A man wants a lady on their arm and a whore in the bedroom.” Save the etiquette dog and pony show for social events and give him what he really wants... SEX! If you are this concerned with impressing this guy, I am sure you are interested in having sex with him as well. He is obviously inviting you over to “Wine and Dine” you for a reason… So go with the sexy, revealing outfit and earn your soiled blouse just like Monica did.

Trust me here, I am a man, I know what I am talking about…

M.