Columns & Answers: Round 2

I had so much fun putting together the last ‘Columns & Answers’ post, and had received some really positive feedback on the blog post that I have decided to give it another shot. I feel like I am lending helpful opinions and in certain circumstances, I get to be an asshole while doing so. The one good thing about writing this type of blog is that there is always a fresh supply of material with these “Self Help” columns in the paper as they are published regularly.   

If you like these posts and I keep getting positive feedback from my readers maybe we can turn this into a regular segment. With that being said, I give you another round of self help advice from an asshole! If you happen to stumble on to one of these columns that you feel might need my attention or response, send me the link. Again, feel free to write in with your questions to Manifesto.Idiot@gmail.com or via the comment section below if you would like my opinion on any questions you may have... Or, if you are reading this and are involved with some kind of publication and feel that feel my advice columns would be a good fit for it... Reach out to me, I am open to it!

TELL ME ABOUT IT
By Carolyn Hax - 8/21/2011
http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/carolyn-hax/article529004.ece

Staying with girlfriend out of pity
Q: Dear Carolyn: I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend of one year has been out of state taking a class and has made several friends of her new classmates. Before she left, we would hang out every day for hours on end. Now that she’s gone, I hardly talk to her.
I understand that she’s busy and has new friends, but I believe one 10-minute phone call every other day was unacceptable. When I do talk to her, she’s constantly telling me how she has gone out drinking and partying nearly every day with her classmates (the main reason I don’t hear from her). I don’t like this behavior and have cautioned her to be careful drinking around new people.
After about three weeks of this behavior I decided I would end the relationship on our next conversation. Well, our next conversation was her calling me in tears and telling me that one of the guys she hung out with took advantage of her while she was passed out drunk the previous night. I’m horrified. I wanted to drive to her immediately, but she begged me not to.
Even though I am sympathetic and torn up about what happened to her, I can’t help but feel angry with her as well. I haven’t expressed it to her or even so much as said, “I told you so,” but I want to break up with her even more. I haven’t because I would feel like a total inconsiderate (insert insult) if I did. I have no clue what to do. I’m there for her but I have no desire to be.
—Obligated suffering

A: Let me start by saying that you are in no way obligated to stay with her at all! If you want to break up with her... DO IT and do not feel as if you are an inconsiderate asshole (or whatever “insult” you choose) for doing so! Why should your feelings to leave her take a backseat to some kind of pity you might be feeling for her?

Do you think she was feeling bad about only calling you for ten minutes every other day? Absolutely not! I do not care where I am across the world, I am making time and or effort to call the person I am dating/married to everyday if I am away from home. She was not making you or your relationship a priority. If you were a priority, she would have been calling you more often. Drinking and partying became her priority... How does that make you feel? I know how I would feel... I would feel like shit about it. She was out drinking and putting herself in a position to be taken advantage of... if that is truly what happened. Is it possible that she actually fucked the relationship by CHEATING on you and this was the pathetic excuse she came up with and gave you in return? As far as the crying goes... some people only feel remorse for getting caught, not for the action itself, lets not lose sight of that. She probably knew that this excuse would put you in a spot where you would feel bad for her and used it just in case word got back to you that she was whoring herself out.

Sure, it is possible that she was wronged and actually taken advantage of, but there were other issues going on as well. Do yourself a favor, dump the bitch... you know every time you look at her you will be reminded that someone one else fucked her while you were dating. Just get it over with, break up with her so you can move on with your life.


TELL ME ABOUT IT
By Carolyn Hax - 8/26/2011
http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/carolyn-hax/article534683.ece

Wanting things to get serious
Q: Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy for about four months now. He is the single dad of a gaggle of children; his ex-wife died about a year ago. It’s been hard finding time to get together, since he feels he should be there for dinner and putting them to bed every night. I think it’s great he’s devoted, but sometimes I think it’s a way to keep things from getting more serious.
I would like to suggest getting together somewhere with his kids. But I am not a parent, and I need another perspective to know if this is unreasonable.
—Dating a dad

A: You are absolutely being unreasonable here and I want to say thank you for saying that you are not a parent... this make this so much easier on me since you have no clue what it takes to be a responsible parent. You said that “he feels he should be there for dinner and putting them to bed every night”, this tells me that they are younger... which means that parenting is necessary. Do you even know the responsibility that you bear when you have the title of Mom or Dad? No, not at all... Contrary to what you think, it is not all about you. You are a selfish bitch for even thinking that your needs measure up to that of this man’s children. I am a divorced father, and I may only have my son 50% of the time, but when I am with my son, nothing else in this world matters... It is all about him. This man has a huge responsibility having his children 100% of the time, and yes his personal life will suffer because of this. That is a small sacrifice to make in regards to raising his children with the love, affection and attention that they need. If I have my son full time as he does, I would be doing the exact same thing.

You have a two part quote that I want to touch on. I want to touch on the second part first. You say “I think it’s a way to keep things from getting more serious. I would like to suggest getting together somewhere with his kids.” Let me start of with the second portion of your quote... Introducing your children to the new woman you are dating is a huge step, especially since his wife has passed away. You want to make sure that this is a person that is going to be in the foreseeable future before making that introduction. Secondly, with the kids mother only passing a year ago, you might want to hold off on the introduction to the children do not think you are trying to replace their mother or that he has forgotten her and moved on. This is exactly why he has not agreed to your suggestion of “getting together somewhere with his kids.” In regards to the first part, it may indeed be “a way to keep things from getting more serious”, he probably still has feelings for his wife even though she has passed, and he might have some reservations about moving on. He may also really put his children first and you could be over reacting here... Either is a realistic possibility. You have to be a bit of a gambler here and roll the dice on if you want to pursue this relationship and decide if this is a chance worth taking.

When it comes to your situation... I would suggest finding someone that does not have children so they can dedicate their attention solely to you and you not have these concerns.

Camping trip is stressful
Q: Dear Carolyn: Every year for the past 15 years, my extended family has gone on a camping trip. My mother is the organizer and loves this trip. Since it’s a rustic site, lots of work goes into the trip that my parents handle.
Every year, some new family member wants to come. It never fails that these new visitors rely on my parents to help them bring their stuff to the site, cook their food, clean up their dishes, watch their kids/dogs, etc. This makes the trip stressful for my mom, and every year, she asks me what to tell people who announce their intentions to come. She has a hard time saying no. I am OK with telling people they aren’t invited but am worried her siblings will get upset.

A: It is terrible that you have selfish people in the family that behave like this. You are right, your Mom might have a hard time with telling people no... You might have to step in here and be “The Bad Guy”. You do not necessarily have to tell these family members that they are not invited if that would cause issues within the family. Unfortunately, you may need to tell these people that it is not your Mother’s responsibility to “help them bring their stuff to the site, cook their food, clean up their dishes, watch their kids/dogs, etc.” Make sure that these ingrates know that they have to pull their own weight or at least pitch in if they want to participate in these trips. They might need a reminder that your mom is not a slave and that it is a vacation for her as well. If they give you a hard time when you tell them this, then you can inform them that there might not be room for them on this trip... I personally would be a little more harsh, you can always take that route as well.

Dear Abby
By Abigail Van Buren - 8/26/2011
http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/dear-abby/article534678.ece

Seeking forgiveness for the past
Q: Dear Abby: My ex-husband and I divorced seven years ago. He has remarried, and I also recently married again. He is still bitter toward me. His emotional abuse was partly to blame for our split, although I was not entirely without fault.
Two of my children hold me responsible for the divorce and continually throw my mistakes back in my face. I’m afraid of losing contact with my grandchildren every time one of my kids becomes upset about the past.
I have been to counseling, but was told I just have to be happy with me. Is there a way my children can finally forgive me for the past?
—Human in Ontario, Canada

(I am going to show Dear Abby’s answer also because also I want to comment on her answer to this question.)
A: (Dear Abby)
Dear Human: If they are determined that blame for the divorce falls solely on you, while absolving your emotionally abusive husband, nothing you or I can do will change their minds.
You have paid your therapist good money for the sensible advice you received, so please heed it. Concentrate on your own life, and far more happiness will result.

My Response to Abby/Human: Great advice Abby... I cannot believe you actually got paid for that response. Let me guess here, in her mind she is perfect, never wrong and nothing is ever her fault. Could this be why she is going to counseling? People just do not go to counseling for the fun of it... she has issues! Has it ever occurred to you that the fault for this divorce might actually fall on her shoulders? Is it possible that what she portrays to be emotionally abusive might have actually been a justified reaction to her behavior? There are two sides to every story, and we do not know the other side. But, something tells me that if the family is throwing the blame her way for a reason, there is something to be said about that. Remember... Where there is smoke there is generally fire.

So go ahead, tell her to “Concentrate on your own life, and far more happiness will result.” Go ahead, its OK to forget about your family as long as you are happy. Obviously fighting to keep her family is not worth some effort. Maybe she should look in the mirror and realize that she might have some blame when all is said and done. Maybe if she owns up to the chance she may actually have faults, possibly try an apology and tries to make amends with the family... they might be more receptive to moving on and resuming some form of normal family communication.

I know, it was not your fault...