Double Ask an Asshole

After taking a break from writing over the holidays, I figured that I would ease back into things with a few “Ask an Asshole” columns… Here is one each from Dear Abby and Miss Manners. Enjoy!

To tuck or not to tuck?

http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/dear-abby/article684090.ece

12/23/2011 - By Abigail Van Buren

Dear Abby: There is an issue driving a wedge between my wife and me. I have always believed that my casual shirts (in fact, all my shirts) should be worn tucked into my slacks. My wife feels they should be left out. I think I look better with them tucked in. 

Abby, you can save our marriage if you’ll let us know who is right. To tuck, or not to tuck—that is the question. And, by the way, she says I should mention that I have a bodacious waistline, which means I could lose 40 pounds. 

—Friar “Tucked” in Longmont, Colo.

 

Dear “Tucked”: Your wife is your best friend and she is right. (If you doubt it, consult a men’s haberdasher.) By leaving your shirt out, you would appear to be a few pounds thinner. When you tuck it in, your “bodacious” waistline is accentuated by a horizontal line, which makes you appear to be heavier. 

Friar “Tucked”: What kind of man writes into “Dear Abby” for a situation like this? What you need to be doing is asking an asshole. While we are on this topic, please remove your cock and balls and put them into a blender as you have lost your man card… Men do not tuck their shirts in unless you are wearing a suit, are a pathetic yuppie or you are a fucking nerd. You are the type of pathetic “man” who tucks in sports jerseys as well aren’t you? Did I insult you by insinuating that you even follow sports?

Your ignorance is as pathetic as your fashion sense. When your wife tells you it looks better one way versus the other, follow her lead as she is the one who ultimately wears the pants in the relationship since she has the mouth you want sucking your dick or the pussy you want to penetrate (barring that you can get hard without a little blue pill or are even attracted to women). Do you even care if your wife finds you attractive? 

Secondly, you are an idiot. Bodacious by definition is: Excellent, admirable, or attractive. So you either do not know the definition of the word your wife is telling you to use in your letter, or you think like a woman with trampled self-esteem. If the tucked in shirts are the sole result of you writing this to “save” your marriage, there are other issues going on that you are too blind to notice. Do us all a favor and come out of the closet and start purging your meals…

(The title of this article is hilarious. Was it an innuendo at what I suggested at the end of my response?)
(To my gay readers, do not take that portion of the article personally...)

Give friend the benefit of the doubt

By Judith Martin – 12/26/2011

http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article686246.ece

Dear Miss Manners: I have a new friend who takes enormous pride in coming from an aristocratic background and for being Mrs. Manners. However, I was dining alone in a bistro the other day, and she arrived to have lunch as well. She sat down at the table beside me so we could chat, yet she did not remove her sunglasses the entire time.

Not being able to make eye contact with her made me uncomfortable, but assuming that as the etiquette expert, she knew better than I, I didn’t say anything. My understanding is that it is bad etiquette to wear sunglasses in a restaurant, especially if you are having a conversation with someone—even if it just be the waiter. Yes? No?

Gentle Reader: Mrs. Manners? Surely if your new friend were Miss Manners’ mother, Miss Manners would know the other side of the story.

There can easily be one, as people wear tinted glasses for many reasons. There could be some temporary or permanent physical reason, or the lady could simply have had her regular glasses tinted for outdoor use. Even though your friend is not Miss Manners’ mother, Miss Manners asks you to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Gentle Reader: Have you lived a sheltered life? Coming from an aristocratic background does not mean that you are immune to the flaws of humanity. Is this woman married or in a relationship? Did you ever stop and think that she is trying to hide something? Conceivably hiding a black eye? 

Let’s leave the possibility of domestic violence out of this but stick with the theory of hiding something. Could she be making the bloodshot eyes that can come with a hang over? Does she use cocaine, which can also cause bloodshot eyes?Those are some things to think about, right?

Let’s face the facts here. Your friend might have some issues that you are unaware of. People do not generally wear sunglasses inside of buildings for no reason, unless there is some kind of medical condition. Maybe you should be a friend and take some time to ask your friend some questions instead of writing to Miss Manners in some feeble attempt at phony sophistication. Your friend may need some help, but not know how to go about getting it.