Olympic Hockey Uniform Outrage?

Here's very rough draft of a piece I had written as a guest writer for another blog. Still needs to be polished up, but I thought I'd share it here as well. 

I’ve always been proud to be an American, but I'm not sure where my sense of national pride has come from lately, I've been much more vocal about my patriotism than ever before. First my rants were directed at people up in arms with the President visiting us here in Buffalo, because whether you are a fan of the man or not, the position of  President of the United States commands respect. Now, my ire is directed at people upset over the design of the 2014 American Olympic hockey jerseys. 

“Thoughts, prayers” and a few other things that piss me off…

Massive tragedies are awful and have become far too prevalent in today’s world. Whether it is a natural disaster, some scumbag kidnapping and keeping women captive for years, psychopaths committing a mass shooting or acts of terrorism, you see floods of social media posts where people send “thoughts and prayers” out to the victims… And then promptly go back to posting about going ass to mouth on a random drunken whore they fucked or the emptiness that is their favorite reality show within minutes.

In my life...

This piece is something that is deeply personal for me. It is not the usual tirade of explicatives and rage fueled rants you have come to know. I struggled with the idea of even posting this, but I decided to say fuck it and go for it. You may not want to read about a different side of my personality, if not, stop reading this and fuck off… That is your prerogative.

The return of the "Ask an Asshole" columns!

As an asshole, I often am compelled to give unsolicited advice to people who couldn’t see reality it were attached to a 2x4 that hit them square in the face… This is where the “Ask an Asshole” series comes into play. I am here to let them know, in no uncertain terms what they should be hearing instead of the politically correct nonsense the majority of these columns these idiots write into for answers. I’ve usually found moronic columns in the “Miss Manners and “Dear Abby” columns, but I found something that needed my attention in a health advice column… I am no doctor, nor am employed in any capacity of the medical profession, but there are some things even an asshole like me can diagnose. Here is another piece in the “Ask an Asshole” series!

Wish Lists?

Well, it is the holiday season, so why not do a quick post about gift giving. Wish lists are something you expect from a child this time of year, Santa does need to know what the children want for Christmas for some reason even though he is supposed to be all knowing and all seeing... Too bad we were too stupid to figure that out when we were kids.

What I don't understand are these women on social media sites that create wish lists for people to send them the items on said list. Is this the modern day version of being a sugar daddy? This has sucker written all over it if you ask me. Do these idiots that buy these ladies actually think that they will get laid out of it? Oh, it's the picture the tramp posts (for the world to see... it's not personal), who is essentially a glorified stripper, in the lingerie that this fool bought for them that they get off too... Jacking off to a picture, that's almost getting laid right?

A job opportunity for locked-out NHL players...

Who says that I don't have a heart... I am offering a job opportunity to locked-out NHL players.

My "All Asshole" Fantasy Football Team

There are quite a few people in this country whose life revolves around football. These people should realize that it’s just a game and really not all that important in the grand scheme of things. The funny part is that football as we think of it is only relevant in the USA and is secondary to Futbol (soccer for the Neanderthals out there) in popularity between two sports with the same pronunciation worldwide. I always knew that the NFL was full of egotistical, self-centered assholes with a god complex, but as I started research for this piece, I began to feel as if I had bitten off more than I could chew with this project. There are more assholes than I had realized associated with this professional sports league. None the less, people will continue to worship the players of the NFL, a league that is marred with scumbags. Here are my selections of the biggest assholes that have been a part of the league, past and present. I tried to include a representative from every position. Feel free to leave comments and or assholes I may have missed or had to omit in the comment section below… I had to leave some assholes out; this blog would have become an epic novel had I included everyone!

Road rage exists for a reason...

It’s OK, you can admit it… There are times where you just want to scream obscenities at some fucking idiot while you are driving. It does not make you a bad person, it happens to all of us. There are plenty of things that can piss you off while driving, things like not using turn signals, tailgating, and dipshits merging into your lane without looking to see if another vehicle is there. Road rage came into existence for a reason, and that reason is, some people drive like assholes! For me, the driving experience at times can be as maddening as getting kicked in the balls, then going back for repeated shot to the nuts the next day, and again the day after that aaand the day after that, so on and so forth… It makes me wonder why I subject myself to such aggravation day in and day out. 

Welcome back, Asshole!

It's been awhile since I’ve written anything for the blog and since it is back to school season; it feels appropriate to catch up with all of you like the college coeds and fraternity douche bags, who are returning to campuses, talking about their summer transgressions and then promptly drinking themselves into comas and fucking random people in every frat house, sorority and bar. 

Just a little break...

I just wanted to give you all an update on the lack of posts lately… I have not stopped writing; I am just taking a little break to recharge the batteries of rage. I’ll have something written and posted in the next couple of weeks. Again, thanks for reading my nonsense!

Sincerely,

Your favorite asshole,

M.

Meteorologists are assholes

How would you feel about going to work, only being accurate in what you do a portion of the time and feel that you have job security? You’d feel pretty good about that scenario, right? So would I! Unfortunately, the majority of society does not have that luxury. Think about it this way, in baseball, if a player averages three for ten in his at bats across the length of a season, he is a .300 hitter. This is considered to be very good in baseball, but if you think about it, that is a 70% failure rate. Other than professional sports, where can you find a profession that allows you to be off the mark that many times and still be “good” at what you do? The answer is meteorology!

Ask an Asshole: Does anyone have the Maury Show's number?

Reading the "life and Advice" columns in the newspaper can often make me feel like the voice of reason. Sometimes the people that write in to these columns are completely clueless and need an assholes perspective to the world because they are completely oblivious. Other times, like today, I feel like I can give someone the words that they need to hear simply to reinforce what they are already thinking... I give you another 'Ask an Asshole!'

The adventures of an Asshole on a Friday night…

Who would have ever thought the $3.50 metro rail ticket pictured above would have led to an amazing yet bizarre night of people watching. Well, I guess I should not have been surprised with the people I see downtown waiting for public transportation. I normally do not utilize public transportation, but this past Friday evening I made a questionable decision to take the train that runs along Main Street in Buffalo to get to my destination of choice.

Paris vs Kim: An asshole's take on socialite sex tapes

Celebrity sex tapes are a wonderful thing because you get to see these people in the most primal of acts… sex. On the television in all of their rehearsed glory, you do not get one ounce of what their personality is actually like, they for the most part try to be politically correct and not offend anyone. But, seeing them fuck, which is one of the most personal of moments (unless you are an actual porn star) one can have, you get to see a true glimpse into who they are as a person. This brings me to two of the more infamous socialites of my generation who each have had highly publicized sex tapes… Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.

An open letter of Cease & Desist to all "celebrities"

Does anyone else think that celebrity behavior can be a little bizarre? At one point not too long ago, the names celebrities chose to name their children were the strangest portion of their behavior. Recently celebrities are taking eccentric behavior to a whole new level. You have Alicia Silverstone chewing food and spitting it into her child’s mouth as if it were a baby bird and January Jones who admitted to consuming her own placenta (in pill form) in some strange “healthy post-natal regimen.” What the fuck is wrong with these people?!

Suburbanites...

I went to a Starbucks today in an attempt to find some inspiration to write. People watching is something that usually can light a fire under my ass and inspire me for better or worse. This makes coffee shops a perfect place for me to observe the clientele because they harbor all different walks of life. Generally I hope to see hipsters, collegiate aged activists and yuppies when I venture to a coffee shop because the fodder they give me is second to none. Since I do not live in the city, I was in a suburban location and somewhat disappointed that the usual targets of my ire were far and few between… and then it came to me, suburbanites! I thought back upon the last time I wrote while in a Starbucks, it was a blog titled ‘My ongoing assault on the art community'. In that piece, I had written the line “I must say, the ambiance of a Starbucks filled with suburbanite elitists may be more annoying than those filled with hipsters. That is another story for another time.” Well, I think that time is now…

Don't be that fantasy sports guy...

Fantasy sports… I know it is more than just baseball, but today is technically MLB’s opening day with a regular season game being played overseas in Japan? After hearing some guys around the office today, all I can think of is a fantasy sports team owner being eager to see how their draft translates to fantasy league play and talking about their team to anyone who will listen. Don't get me wrong, I do not mind talking about people's fantasy team once in a while, I like talking sports, but, when it gets to the point of that is the only thing you talk about, I get extremely annoyed. At times it gets to the point of where I want to soak a washcloth in chloroform and place it over their mouth, hoping they pass out… unless they're going to cut me in on their winnings... In that case, I'll listen all day, if it's a substantial amount of cash.

The Happy Meal Ordeal

Through my writings, we have established that I am an asshole, and I am OK with that. I can show little or no empathy for others without blinking an eye, but I do have a chink in my armor. When it comes to my son… my love is unconditional. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my son smile and making him happy. His smile melts my cold and blackened heart, which is why I can get extremely irritated when he gets disappointed. This brings me to our weekly visit to get a Happy Meal at McDonald’s…

Even an asshole can be vulnerable.

I really do not have much to say lately. I’ve had a case of writers block as far as my blogs go, I’ve been unusually quiet and tame on twitter. You may be thinking, what is wrong with me. Actually, there is nothing wrong with me. For once in my life, I am at peace. When I am at peace, I am generally quiet. What is that saying about not waking a sleeping giant? This is peace is an unfamiliar territory for me as I have spent the majority of my life angry at the world. How long with this cease-fire with the world last? Who knows? If history has anything to say about this lull in my aggression, it will not last for long.

Ask an Asshole - Someone had a problem with a waitress.

I really have had no motivation to write lately. As I’ve said before, when I am at peace I am not at my best, I’m simply just there. I cannot write when I am at peace… It’s just not very entertaining and does not grasp the whole asshole concept that I have within my writing. How do I cure this type of writers block? I scan newspaper columns to find what is on the mind of the elitists that I despise so much and the idiots of the world. Here is another Ask an Asshole column!