My "All Asshole" Fantasy Football Team

There are quite a few people in this country whose life revolves around football. These people should realize that it’s just a game and really not all that important in the grand scheme of things. The funny part is that football as we think of it is only relevant in the USA and is secondary to Futbol (soccer for the Neanderthals out there) in popularity between two sports with the same pronunciation worldwide. I always knew that the NFL was full of egotistical, self-centered assholes with a god complex, but as I started research for this piece, I began to feel as if I had bitten off more than I could chew with this project. There are more assholes than I had realized associated with this professional sports league. None the less, people will continue to worship the players of the NFL, a league that is marred with scumbags. Here are my selections of the biggest assholes that have been a part of the league, past and present. I tried to include a representative from every position. Feel free to leave comments and or assholes I may have missed or had to omit in the comment section below… I had to leave some assholes out; this blog would have become an epic novel had I included everyone!

All Asshole Team:

Offense:

QB:         Michael Vick: The guy is a convicted felon, enough said. But, even without the dog fighting crimes from 2007 Michael Vick had served prison time for, his Ron Mexico fiasco in 2005, where he was sued for allegedly passing herpes onto a woman after having unprotected sex with her and using the alias “Ron Mexico” while being tested for STD’s is enough for Vick to land a spot on the team. On top of that he had a case dismissed from which he was cited on 2/27/2007 for trespassing after fishing at private lake in Virginia, a misdemeanor. There were also allegations in January of 2007 of Vick had a bottle of water confiscated by airport security in Miami due to marijuana being concealed in said bottle. Let’s face it, the guy is an asshole.

               

RB:         OJ Simpson: Do I really have to say anything about this guy to get my point across?

               Lawrence Phillips: Highlights… Drives car into three teenagers, series of violent domestic violence incidents… He’s just an overall piece of shit. I think this link says it all. http://bleacherreport.com/articles/215328-top-10-nfl-prison-sentences/page/3

   Marshawn Lynch: This guy is ugly as sin, he looks like the Predator from the Schwarzenegger movie, but that is not what lands him on my team.  Where do I start? How about on 5/31/2008, Lynch who may have been intoxicated, had a hit and run incident where a pedestrian was hit to which he plead guilty to failure to exercise due care toward a pedestrian. On 2/11/2009, was arrested on a felony gun charge and took a plea to a misdemeanor gun charge. And, most recently was charged for a DUI on 7/14/2012. I completely expect to see this list expanded on in the near future based on third party accusations from people I know, from interactions with him during his time spent here in Buffalo.

WR:        Rae Carruth: Why would an NFL receiver hide in a trunk with $3,900 in cash, bottles to hold piss, extra clothes, candy bars, and a cell phone? Well, because he was a fugitive for conspiring to murder his girlfriend who was six months pregnant! Unfortunately, his girlfriend passed away shortly after the shooting. The child was born prematurely, survived, but has some medical complications. This guy is the scum of the earth, taking his place right alongside of OJ Simpson. http://bleacherreport.com/articles/215328-top-10-nfl-prison-sentences/page/9

Donte Stallworth: This fucking asshole killed a pedestrian while he was driving drunk! Enough said! http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/2009/04/donte-stallworth-charged-dui-manslaughter-arrest-warrant-issued/

Plaxico Burress: What an asshole. This “wannabe” gangster accidentally shoots himself in the leg, then with the ultimate slap in the face, gets sent to prison for it! http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4493887

Dez Bryant:  On 7/18/2012, Bryant was arrested on a misdemeanor family charge in DeSoto, Texas, after his mother called 911 and said her son had hit her. What kind of scumbag allegedly hits his own mother? Luckily for him, his mother is not going to cooperate with the prosecution and the case will go away as if it never existed. But, where there is smoke, there is generally fire. For fucks sake, the Cowboys have installed some form of guidelines for his off the field conduct, I’m sure to cover their asses when this idiot fucks up again, and then they would be able to void his contract. Per ESPN, these guidelines are said to include: a midnight curfew, no drinking alcohol, cannot visit strip clubs and can only attend nightclubs if they are approved by the team and he has a security his team with him, a security team where one of three members must be with him at all times and drive him to team functions, practices and games and last, but certainly not least, twice a week counseling sessions. What kind of asshole needs this kind of babysitting as an adult outside of prison? A wide receiver on my “All Asshole” Fantasy Football Team! 
          Chris Henry: On 12/15/2005 Henry was arrested in Covington, Ky., and charged with possession of marijuana after traffic stop. Then on 1/28/2006 Arrested in Florida on concealed weapons charges for allegedly possessed a firearm outside an Orlando nightclub. Henry was arrested and charged on 6/3/2006 with speeding and operating a vehicle under the influence. Henry was stopped on Interstate 275 in Cincinnati at 1:18 a.m., after being clocked driving 82 mph in a 65 mph zone. 2006 was a busy year for Henry, on 6/14 Henry turns himself in and is arrested for providing alcohol to three teenage girls in a Covington, Ky., motel room on April 29. Then on 3/21/2007 he was cited for three traffic charges, including driving with suspended license, vehicle impounded. Moving to 3/31/2008 Charged with assault and disorderly conduct after police said he punched man in the head and threw beer bottle threw car window. Finally Henry Lost his life in December of 2009 when he fell off of the back of a moving pick-up truck that he climbed onto during a domestic dispute.

TE:          Kellen Winslow Jr.: In May of 2005, Winslow was charged with disregarding safety, following his motorcycle accident in a parking lot in Westlake, Ohio. Frankly, anyone that jeopardizes a career making millions of dollars, one that is already short-lived, is a fucking asshole and an idiot on top of it. This link has more detail: http://m.espn.go.com/nfl/story?storyId=2053831&wjb

OL:         Nate Newton: Within the span of six months, Newton was charged with having 175 and 213 pounds of marijuana in two separate incidents. He was sentenced to 30 months in prison for these offenses.

Orlando Brown: Once known as the guy who shoved a referee to the ground after being hit by a penalty flag. The late Orlando Brown was charged in 2009 of third-degree burglary and destruction of property after being accused of breaking into his ex-wife’s home.

Bryant McKinnie:  On 7/12/2003, Mckinnie was charged with obstructing a police officer in Miami, Fla., case was dismissed. Charged with disorderly conduct after scuffle at gas station/deli on 9/26/2005, case was eventually dismissed. On 2/24/2008, was arrested and charged with aggravated battery, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after street brawl outside Miami club. Also, was allegedly on board the Vikings “Love Boat” cruise which you will read about later.

Jason Peters - Arrested in Shreveport, La., on 3/26/2011 and charged with resisting arrest after being pulled over because of loud music coming from his vehicle. And, was a holdout in 2008 because he wanted more money when he was slated to make $3.25 million. What other line of work could this fat ass, greedy fucker make that kind of salary? Asshole!

Defense:

LB:          Ray Lewis: Plead guilty to obstruction of justice in 2000. Initially, Lewis was charged with murder, felony murder and aggravated assault in deaths of two men the night of the Super Bowl in Atlanta.

Lawrence Taylor: In 2010, Taylor was charged with third-degree rape and soliciting prostitution in a case involving a 16-year-old girl at a hotel in Rockland County to start with. This guy has too much shit to even get into, just read this: http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-05-06/news/27063731_1_lawrence-taylor-substance-abuse-arrest-record

CB:         Darryl Henley: This asshole is currently serving 41 years in prison for cocaine trafficking and attempting to hire contract killers to take care of the judge who presided over his drug trafficking trial.  

Adam “Pacman” Jones: This guy ‘s reputation speaks for itself and is synonymous for “making it rain” in the strip clubs. On 7/13/2005 Jones was arrested on charges of assault and felony vandalism stemming from a fight at a nightclub, was dismissed. He was arrested on marijuana possession, obstruction charges in Fayetteville, Ga., on 2/6/2006. On 3/23/2006, a search warrant executed after Jones steps out of corvette reeking of marijuana, according to police report, case was dismissed. On 8/25/2006 Pacman was arrested outside a Murfreesboro, Tenn., bar and charged with disorderly conduct and public intoxication, which was also dismissed. Then on 10/26/2006, Jones was cited for misdemeanor assault after being accused of spitting on a woman in a Nashville nightclub after an argument, which again, was dismissed. Plead no contest to a misdemeanor charge after being  arrested on a felony coercion stemming from a melee and shooting at Las Vegas club on6/20/2007. And finally on 7/10/2011, Pacman was charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated and resisting arrest. This guy is an ASSHOLE!

"Captain" Fred Smoot: *Singing: The Love Boat, soon we’ll be making all kinds of love…”* This may be one of my favorite NFL stories of all time. Our dear captain charters a boat for a team party and it turns into what is essentially an orgy on the high seas. Just read the following link!

http://m.espn.go.com/nfl/story?storyId=2260018&wjb

DL:          Warren Sapp: He’s filing for bankruptcy, but don’t worry… he’s got 240 pairs of “Jordan’s” in his closet! http://blogs.findlaw.com/tarnished_twenty/2012/04/warren-sapp-bankrupt-with-240-pairs-of-jordans-in-closet.html

Special Teams:

K:            Sebastian Janikowski: On 6/21/2000, was charged with one count of felony possession of a controlled substance after being found with a designer drug during a police sweep, case was dismissed.

He pled no contest to two misdemeanor counts of drunken driving in Oakland from an arrest on 10/2/2002. He also had a case dismissed from an arrest on 9/20/2003 where he was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor assault, misdemeanor vandalism and public drunkenness after an altercation at a Walnut Creek nightclub.

P:            Pat McAfee: Arrested on 10/20/2010 for suspicion of public intoxication. He apparently was swimming in a canal in Indianapolis night club district.

COACH:  Buddy Ryan: Punched an assistant coach. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcMeyTlmxr8

OWNER:  Bud Adams: He gives people the finger. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxoazijiDV8&feature=fvwrel

FANS: The Philadelphia Eagles: These assholes fucking booed and threw snowballs at Santa.  There is also a courthouse built right inside the stadium, which speaks volumes.

Hall of Famer: Joe Namath: Because he’s drunk on the sidelines, trying to kiss reporters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc65NC44dSk

HONORABLE MENTION:

Travis Henry: He was indicted for cocaine trafficking and has NINE children from NINE different mothers!

Thurman Thomas: For his “shut ur mouf, clown” comment on Twitter to me.

Reggie Bush: He accepted improper benefits in college and for dating Kim Kardashian.

Jamal Lewis: He served 4 months in jail for using a phone to set up a drug deal.

Michael Irvin: Felony drug charges, and smiles in his mugshot… Say cheese, Mike! http://mugshots.com/Sport/Michael-Irvin.105080.html

Ben Roethlisburger: He was accused of rape twice, but no charges were ever filed.  Again, where there is smoke, there is generally fire.

For a full list of arrests and citations of NFL players, visit the link below. It is where I found a good deal of this information.

 http://www.utsandiego.com/nfl/arrests-database/